The Mother Wound; what is it and how do you heal it? 8 tips to help you not pass on trauma.

Many women say that when they have children they discover a deeper connection and respect for their own mothers. In a sense, many women "come back" to needing their mothers after having their own child, so that they can be guided through their own motherhood. In this coming together, new mums say they feel a tremendous sense of gratitude to their mother as they process first-hand all the patience, effort, and loving care it takes to get a child through those sleepless crying nights, the brain developments, the piles of homework and the social and emotional challenges of the fraught teenage years. 

For many of us though, embarking on our own journey in motherhood can make us realize just how much we missed out on during our own childhoods and how little lived experience we wish to bring forward to the new generation – to our own babies. For me, it was only once I became a mother myself that I began to slowly realise just some of the ways that my childhood had been impacted by the absence of a healthy, emotional bond between my mother and me. And when I did realise I suddenly became terrified that I didn’t come to motherhood with a blueprint from my childhood that I could use, so how on earth was I going to know what to do? All I knew for certain was that I didn’t want to repeat the cycle of the way I was mothered. I don’t think wanting to mother differently is uncommon in new mothers - we all want to do things our own way, but for those of us who were raised by a parent with their own unresolved trauma,  or who are toxic, emotionally absent or abusive, the need to change is exactly that, a need rather than a desire. This need to bring about healing and change is often referred to these days as “healing the mother wound”.  

So what does this trending term ‘mother wound’ mean and how do you heal a mother wound if you have one? We live in a strange time where many views are still underpinned by Freudian beliefs that all of a person’s shortcomings can on some level be attributed back to one’s mother, but in the same breath, we must hold our mothers high on pedal stools and love them fiercely no matter what, because she birthed you!. It is taboo to be estranged from your mother no matter what her behaviour is like.  

A mother wound is not mum-blaming or shaming. It is not attributing your identity crisis to your mother because she didn’t jump to attention for every little thing when you were a child.  A mother wound is the pain, wounding, and trauma that's carried by a mother and inherited by her children. A mother wound is the impact of a mother’s behaviour over time that fundamentally impacts who a child becomes. It could look like your mother being physically present but not emotionally present i.e. she was not able to emotionally attune to you as a child, or it could present as her experiences and emotions constantly overshadowing yours as a child. A mother wound can result from a multitude of behaviours that stem from circumstances that even your mother herself might not be consciously aware of. Often the mother wound is a repetition of your mother’s own mother wound and the lack of adequate, good enough mothering in her own childhood. It’s a cycle. 

Certainly, the cycle theory has been the case in my situation. My mother grew up being physically abused by her emotionally unavailable mother and my grandmother’s experience was in many ways the same. My mum ran away at thirteen, preferring to live rough on the streets of Sydney’s Kings Cross than to stay living with my grandmother and when my mother became pregnant with me at fifteen she didn't hesitate to decide to keep me. Whenever I asked her why she kept me, she always told me the same thing, “I had you because I wanted someone to love me – I wanted to be part of a real family.” My mother wanted me to heal her mother-wound, but instead, she unwittingly passed it to me. 

When I became a mother at twenty-nine, I suddenly became aware of just how unconventional my relationship with my mother had been. I guess I had always known that on many levels we weren’t like other mums and daughters, but I hadn’t realised that in me constantly attempting to heal the wounds of her childhood, I had ended up spending my childhood being the mother. When I began my life as a ‘real’ mum, I instinctively focussed all my love and attention on my child, but in doing this the relationship with my mother began to fracture. And I found didn’t have the same energy to keep trying to patch up the cracks because I was putting all my energy into mothering my baby boy and trying to do it differently. Every time I looked at my baby, I knew unequivocally that the Mother-wound had to stop with me. 

Over the years I went on to have four beautiful children and in that time my relationship with my mother became irreparable. The worse our relationship became, the more I became obsessed with researching and understanding trauma patterns and cycles within families – how could I fix this wound – for myself, but also the benefit of my own children? 

Here is what I have found has worked for me that might be helpful to you:

1. Be honest with yourself about your past.

Although it's a hard first step, to heal our childhood trauma we have to first acknowledge it for what it was. You actually can say out loud that your childhood was painful for you. You don’t have to minimise it by telling yourself that others have it worse or that maybe you are just too sensitive. 

How it worked for me: For a long time I told myself that my mother and I were best friends, I prided myself on thinking I was more like my mum’s sister than her child and  I told myself I was lucky for this. It took me a long time to acknowledge that as a six-year-old, ten-year-old, fifteen year old I didn't need or want a sister/friend figure, I needed a mum – and it was really hard not having that! As an adult there are still lots of days I think to myself " I need a mum to mother me right now!” So it's ok to admit that the child version of me needed a mother too.

2. Want better for your child.

Think about the things that were hard for you as a child, the things that you really would have loved to have changed about your childhood, and then make a list of ways you can do it differently. 

For me as a child I was often farmed out to babysitters or frequently left alone and I felt like because of this I was always in the way of my mum's social plans. Additionally, my Mum had to work a lot to make ends meet, so she often couldn't come to any school events or celebrations. As a mother, it has been important to me to make sure I am present for my kids in the ways and spaces I really missed my mum as a child – yes sometimes this means running myself ragged to get places and taking unpaid leave or making up time after hours but to me, the hustle is worth it just to be there every time.  I love seeing my kids' eyes light up when they see me in the crowd.

3. Open yourself up to outside help.

I understand that therapy is not for everyone but let me say this, if you had a deep physical wound on your leg you would go to see a doctor, right? A mother wound is an emotional wound on your heart – and it runs deep and can infect so many other areas of your life if you don't tend to it. 

I have had several truly life-altering counsellors who have helped me do the hard yards emotionally. It's worth it. My advice is to see the counsellor and get down to the core of the wound, so you understand it and can heal it properly.

4. Separate yourself from the past.

You don’t have to respond to your relationships the way you have in the past. For me writing has been an outlet that has enabled me to process things thoroughly and draw a line in the sand. Publishing two memoirs have enabled me to shed past versions of myself and resolve who I am in the here and now. I know writing isn’t for everyone but research shows those who write about their problems (just in diaries or lists for yourself, you don’t have to write a tell-all book like me) resolve their problems more than 70% more effectively than those who have the same unresolved issues and don’t write them down. 

5. Re-parent and re-program yourself.

Treat and talk to yourself as you would your child or an adorable puppy.

This has come up for me time and time again as I find myself repeating little mantras to my children. Every day I say to them, “You are smart, you are kind and you are so very loved.” When things are tough I make them chant “I can do hard things”  to pump them up for facing problems and I greet their challenges with affirmations and encouragement, however recently I realised I never do this for myself.  The realisation came about when I was facing a problem I didn't think I could overcome and at the same time I was working through a problem with my son of his own, it occurred to me as I was pep talking that I never talk to myself the way I tell my kids to talk to themselves. I never champion myself like a mum champions her child. So that night I started saying some of these little affirmations to myself while looking in the mirror and while it made me laugh, and I felt really silly the first time around, over time it has made me stop being so hard on myself all the time.  Self-talk is important!

6. It’s ok to mourn the loss of the parent you had hoped for

- let it out, how did your childhood impact you? How do you wish it was? What are you angry about missing out on?  Some counsellors recommend writing a letter to your mother and then tearing it up or disposing of it in a ceremonial way to pay heed to these painful experiences and losses. It’s ok to grieve the fact your mother will never be the mother you needed her to be if you need to do that. 

7. Find a mentor.

A stand-in mother figure who cares for you. Looking back at my life I now realise I have subconsciously been drawn to friendships with several wonderful older, wiser women that have nurtured me and loved me in some way akin to a mother figure and my life has been so much richer for each and every one of them.  

8. Forgiveness and acceptance.

Mothers are not patron saints – they are just humans. In the history of the world, there are no perfect parents and while you may not have caused the wound you have right now, as an adult it is your responsibility to fix it. 

Healing a Mother Wound is not easy, for me, there have been many years of internal wrestling and emotional work on reconciling past hurts, but eventually, I came to settle on a phrase that always helps me when I’m struggling:  

“My mother did the best she could with the skills she had at the time.” And then I follow it up with a Maya Angelou-inspired golden phrase “Just do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

And I know that for me and my kids, I am going to spend every day trying to do better <3